empty desk = overwhelming memories

For weeks I have been wishing my time away at CBI. I mean, literally sitting at my desk and cursing the painful minutes that tick by ever-so-slowly. Sooo many things to look forward to, such as sleeping in late(er), time for my daily runs, furniture shopping, and spending leisure time with my friends and family. What's not to love about that?? Seemingly, nothing. So I was understandably surprised by the overwhelming feeling of loss that I experienced this afternoon while cleaning out my desk at work. I deleted my personal files from the computer, consolidated email folders and forwarded information on to the people who would need it when I am gone. It felt great to cross all of these things off of my to-do list! It wasn't until I found a particular binder shoved in the back of my file cabinet that I felt a ping of sadness. The binder contained all of my research and notes that I kept when I first started working at CBI three years ago. As I thumbed thru the pages, I couldn't help but think back to what I was doing in 2008. I was still on the track for law school right out of undergrad; I was in the thick of my favorite political science classes and writing research papers like a crazy girl; I was Standards chair in ADPi, kicking ass and taking names; I was taking Spirit Master assignments to fill up every hour of my free time; and I was soaking up the most historical presidential election to-date, campaigning all year for President Obama to win his rightful place in the White House. But I also remember feeling so blessed to have the job that I did, to have scored an awesome opportunity to take on the corporate project that led to the overflowing binder of stuff that I was now flipping thru reminiscently. I was more appreciative at that time, I think. That time of my life was so fast paced and full of energy, yet thinking back I realize just how much simpler my life was then compared to what I now face. I realize now that time was a virtue I did not think to appreciate, and now I cannot get enough of it.

While I am still bursting at the seams to leave my job, to finally hand it off to someone else, to let go of the mundane 8-5 that I continually bitch about, I know deep down that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not accepted this job and mastered the ensuing challenges. But I can't bring myself to take down the pictures of Jackson and my family that clutter my cubicle. Nor can I box up the picture of Bill Clinton and I, that was taken in the fall of 2008 at a rally for Hillary Clinton, right in the midst of the busiest and most exciting time of my life. I can't box up the books on my desk or the empty coffee mugs with brown rings still plastered to the bottom. But next Friday, when the time comes that I will be forced to wipe clean the desk I have labored in front of for three years, I know it's going to be both a sad and happy day. I will be sad to not sit in the same room for 8 hours with my sister and Hattie, but more than happy to never see my supervisor again. I will be sad to say goodbye to Rob who has been my mentor since the 8th grade, but happy to leave knowing that I made him proud. I will be the saddest because that Friday will leave me only 24 more days in BG with my family and friends. But ultimately I know that happiness will prevail because my life is positively moving forward in the direction that I chose on my own, and that in itself brings a smile to my face :)